7 Reasons Why I'm NOT Leaving the Peace Corps

            I wrote an entire blog post on reasons why I want to go home. When I started writing it, I didn’t know that’s what it would turn into, but it did. Then I read it through, and deleted it right away. You know why? Because going home is not the decision I made.

            Recently I was talking to my Mom on the phone and trying to explain how I’ve been feeling the last few weeks. It’s really hard to explain, even to someone who understands me as much as my mom. I told her that Peace Corps is not a one-time decision. Peace Corps is a decision you make every. single. morning. Every day I wake up and I need to decide whether or not to stay. Now, of course some days this decision is incredibly easy that I barely think about it. But there are some days, weeks, and even months, where every day this question weighs heave on my heart, as it has the last few weeks.

            Before I go on, I want to remind people that leaving the Peace Corps is not really quitting. It’s just being brave enough to realize that either the job is not for you at this point in your life, or that the job is completed before the clock ran out. In the past few months there have been a few fellow PCVs who have made this decision, and written eloquent blog posts stating their sound reasons. So, in their style, I am creating this blog post.

            Why I’m NOT leaving the Peace Corps.

1. My job is not done. I am in the middle of this big library project, and things are even moving along as of now. And, although the numbers are fewer than I would like, I do have a few students who are really dedicated to learning English. In October when the school year starts, I will likely meet more. I am also in the planning stages of the second annual Create Cambodia Arts Festival, and there are whispers of a Girls Empowerment workshop for my province. I am part of a team creating a whole new curriculum and textbook series for the entire student body of Public School Cambodia to study English with. There are still things to be done here. Many of them could be done without me I realize, but I would be honored to be a part of it all.
2. My students. I mentioned above the handful of students who are dedicated learners. Well, they are also very dedicated to me. They are very much like younger siblings to me. I promised these kids 2 years and darn it, I’m gonna give it to them. A strange thing happened once I hit the 1 year mark. For certain students, I started seeing the imminent goodbye when I looked in their faces. It came on strong, strong enough to make me choke up a little. I know I’m way early for that, but I can’t pretend it’s not going to happen, that it’s not going to be final, and that it’s not going to be really really hard. I’m not ready for that goodbye yet.
3. Realistically, there’s nothing for me to rush home to. For a week or two things would seem perfect. I’d be right where I belong, surrounded by all my friends and family, but after a short time, life would go on. Friends and family would go back to their lives, and right now I don’t even have a life in America. I don’t have a job, any job prospects, or even really any idea of what I want to do. For at least a few months, I’d be keeping the couch warm, trying to figure out how this is better than sitting in Cambodia (aside from the comfy cushioning and temperate climate).
4. They asked me to stay. About 2 weeks ago, my oldest brother and also the Deputy School Director came to my house to visit with the family. Somehow, we began talking about my departure date in a year. He asked me what I was going to do afterwards. I told him I didn’t know. Then, he said one of the most loving things I’ve ever heard come out of his mouth. He asked me to stay. He told me I’m basically Khmer anyway. I speak the language, I know the customs, and I already have a built-in family. He said he could help me get a permanent job at the school, and he knows that the students and the community would be so ready to give me a great salary to teach private English classes. He said that marrying would be no problem for me, and I’d always have a home here. Of course I had to tell him that I couldn’t stay. But still, him asking meant a lot. Peace Corps applicants might be surprised to find out that in the Peace Corps, you can give everything you have from your time, to your expertise, and even to part of your own living allowance to your projects, but no one ever thanks you. I don’t expect thank yous, especially at this point, but this was probably the closest thing I’ve had to a thank you, and it felt even better.
5. I still have more to learn. I’m not so naive as to say that I know all there is to know about this country and these people. I am still learning about the language, the culture, the systems in place, the history, etc. The learning is much slower than when I first arrived, where on a bad day I learned 5 Khmer words a day. Now, if I’m lucky, I’ll learn 5 new words in a month. But still, it’s progress, and I do value everything I’ve learned about this country.
6. On the same thought process, I’m still learning more about ME and I’m still changing for what I believe is the better. Every day my patience is tested by people, time, the weather, and everything. Every day I’m forced to practice independence beyond what I ever thought I was capable of. I am constantly practicing forgiveness, grappling with my self esteem, considering creative alternative solutions, and doing my best to exemplify professionalism in a country where that trait is much less valued. And I’d be an idiot to say that I’m always successful at doing these things. Another year of practice might do me good.
7. The last reason is pretty simple. Regret. I don’t think I will regret staying. But if I leave, I think deep down I would always regret that decision. I don’t want to live with that. So this is for future Diana, to be regret free.

So far, the Peace Corps has given me the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and everything in between. In the blink of an eye, everything can change to the opposite of whatever yesterday was. Very often, I have not been in the driver seat of my own experience, but just sort of along for the ride, trying to grab hold of the steering wheel. Today, things may seem bleak, but who knows? Maybe tomorrow I'll be riding along as happy as a dog with my head out the window.

Besides, who would want a predictable life anyway. Not me.

Participating in the morning ceremonies of a wedding.

Traditional Khmer clothes.

We march down the street carrying gifts of fruit and Khmer cakes.

I let my sister dress me up for a wedding party. Oh, and I win at farmers tan.

The beginnings of the new library.

We took all the garbage, broken desks, and other useless things that were in there, and cleaned it up as best as we could.

And then started painting.

The students did most of the work.

Colors were chosen by my counterpart, Lina.

Half of the room is yellow.

We painted a green trim.

And the other side of the room blue.

Finished

New Youtube Cover

Check out my newest video. It took me like 6 months to make that (although most of the time was just procrastination).

And what would a blog post be without a few pictures as well.

This is how I roll.

The only temple in Prey Veng (tiny, but one of the oldest in the whole country).

I believe the heads, and of course the golden Buddha are new buy the bodies and the wall are original.

Prey Veng from a bird's-eye-view

This tree intrigued me.

Ba Phnom. The only hill in Prey Veng.

Instincts

            In America, I have a dog named Leo. He’s really smart and just about the cutest dog on the planet. However, he is a creature of habit and a slave to his instincts. For example, my dog thinks lotion is delicious. If you have lotion on your legs, he just can’t help licking. My mother or I would come out of the shower freshly shaven and lotioned (yes, before the PC I used to shave my legs! Lol). He would come bounding up to me because he missed me in the 10 minutes I was in the shower, and then realize my legs smell great. So, he’d start licking. That’s when I’d say “stop Leo” and he’s look at me for a second, then continue again. More forcefully this time, I would say “stop!” He’d stop and then try again, but this time, barely touching his tongue to my skin. Again, “LEO! Stop!” And this time, he’d start to slowly walk away, but crane his neck awkwardly to sneakily get a few last licks in, as if I wouldn’t notice. This is like the one thing for which he cannot help himself. He wants to stop but he can’t. The desire to lick the lotion is just too great.

            I was reminded of Leo the other day because I gave my students a test. Khmer students cheat, and for the most part in Cambodia, no one stops them. They look at each others’ papers, sometimes just passing papers around the room. They talk. And I don’t mean whisper. They just flat out ask around the room for answers. Well, I don’t stand for this, so, giving the test, I told the students NO talking and NO cheating. But they can’t help themselves. They stop and look at me, and do it again 30 seconds later. “No talking!” Now they try whispering and looking at their neighbor’s paper quietly. “NO CHEATING!” And that’s when they put their faces flat and so close to the desk and speak so quietly that I can’t even see or tell from which student the murmur is coming from. They simply CAN’T not cheat. The word “stop” just doesn’t make sense in this context for them.

2 of my Cambodian counterparts, Daly and Lina.

This was back in January when every student was decked out in Angry Birds Paraphernalia, but no one knew what it was! Students learn a lot more than just English in out Honor Society! 

The little bro.

That's how I brought in the new year. and then fireworks.

The big (read: tiny) sis.

Sisters

MAMA!!! I love her hugs <33 haha

DUIT!

I'm a great teacher.

Pig. For reference, he is about the size of the front of a car.

A Lesson on Chocolate and Peanut Butter

I threw a small party for my Honor Society students. It was was an end-of-the-year-congratulations thing. It went pretty well.

I promised them that I would bring some American food for them to try, so in the morning I bought a gas stove. It’s a pretty good one and it only cost like 10 dollars. It’s a good buy, because starting in August, I have to cook for myself for lunch. But, I digress.

I made spaghetti and sauce for them. Well, the sauce just came from a can. I also brought some muffins, peanut butter, bananas, and chocolate syrup. I brought that all to school.

The first hour or so was for eating. I had about 17 students come to the party. 5 students like spaghetti. The rest hate it. They complained that it was sour lol. But the 5 people who like spaghetti finished it all! I was so surprised! Haha. The muffins were gone in like .3 seconds, so I’m assuming they liked those. Then they were really confused as to why there were bananas. I showed them to either dip the banana in a cup of chocolate syrup, or spread some peanut butter on it. Well, those bananas were gobbled up in seconds flat.  But the students were hungry for more! So what did they do? Well, I caught one just drinking the chocolate syrup from a cup. And then I saw like 6 or 7 students throughout the rest of the day with a cup of syrup and peanut butter mixed together in a dark, gooey, delicious paste. Brilliant, these students are. That’s why they’re in the honor society.

Unfortunately, they ate an entire jar of peanut butter and almost all of my syrup too. And all the muffins and spaghetti. No more comfort food for teacher… why do I share??

After the eating, we played musical chairs, which was lots of fun. They all squealed every time the music stopped. Toward the end, the students were cheating. They would pick up the chair and put it under their butt lol.

I had some things to give students at the party. My mother had sent pictures from their visit, and also a thank you letter for each of them. So I put these out on the table. I put the pictures from Prey Veng on the table, and kept the rest of them in the pack. Well, when I went to go check on them, I found that students were going through all of the pictures, and just taking whatever they pleased! Haha, it had nothing to do with whether they were in it or not, which I thought would be obvious for them. They just wanted to get their hands on any picture with me in it. I managed to salvage some of the stolen photos so that I can give those to the appropriate people.

Of course, there was also dancing. Most of them already knew the Cupid Shuffle, Asereje, the Macarena, and the Cha Cha Slide, so of course we did those. I also introduced them to the Electric Slide, Cotton-Eyed Joe, and even the Hokey Pokey! They were pretty good at the electric slide. They couldn’t do the Cotton-Eyed Joe, but they got a real kick out of watching me do it. They thought the Hokey Pokey was just stupid haha. I agreed.

I also did the Chicken Dance for a little while. And, as it would be, that is the moment (while I’m flapping my imaginary wings) that my grade 12 students decided to come and give me gifts. So I put my wings away and paid attention. Pamela wrapped a yellow and green scarf around my neck and gave me a cute key chain with flip-flops. Sean gave me a bracelet that says Cambodia. Steven gave me a notebook, with a little note inside thanking me and wishing me health, luck, happiness, etc. It was really really sweet and unexpected. After that, I pulled out the certificates and handed them out. I also had letters of recommendation for my graduating seniors. I hope they will figure out good opportunities to put those into use. So I gave the seniors my phone number and told them to keep me updated on what they do next year.

More dancing. Students started leaving.

I don’t believe that this is goodbye for real for my graduation seniors, but they seemed to think so a little. Their goodbyes were pretty heartfelt. Especially Pamela. She came over and said goodbye and just looked at me for a while. Then she gave me a hug, which was super sweet. I then asked her if she was going to study with me this summer. Sadly, she said “perhaps not” and then she looked at me for second again, and then went in for another hug. Well, I didn’t know she was gonna try to kiss my cheek, so I went in to hug her too, and she ended up kissing my ear. This wouldn’t have been awkward at all if the entire class wasn’t watching this whole exchange and laughing. It’s okay, we brushed it off, and I’m just honored that Pamela feels so much about this goodbye.

For the record, if I believe these goodbye were for real, I’d be balling my eyes out. But I don’t. And I won’t let myself. After all, I know where they live.

It was a fun party, although a lot of work for me of course. Maybe I’m an old lady. I can’t host a 3 hour party without needing to take a nap afterwards.

Anyway, this Honor Society has been exactly what I needed her at site to feel welcomed and productive. These kids are my everything here. I am so proud of the work they’ve done this year, and I’m looking forward to next year very much.

BTW, sure enough, later that night Pamela called me. She just wanted to ask if I had dinner yet. She told me she missed me already and she “wanted to hear my sound.” Lol this is not goodbye.

*Mom, the shots of me and a student and the group shots at the end would be great to print and send to me. As per request of my students... but no rush on that. take your time. Might wanna wait for me to have posted more pictures that I'd like you to send.

yum

Reading the letter my mom sent.

hahaha she hated this picture. i LOVE it!

Peanut butter AND chocolate. After this she quit on the plates and just used cups instead.

Pamela

Sabrina

Kendra

Steven

Chelsea and Linda

Shannon

The gurlz

Certificates! (designed by yours truly)

Catch-up!

I can’t believe it’s been two months since my last post. I’m so sorry! Now the best way I can think to catch you up is to do it list-style. Here we go.

In the last 2 months:

• School finished
• I met my family- parents and 2 brothers at the airport
• I took my family to Takeo
• We stayed with my Khmer teacher from training
• I visited with all my favorite students from training, and taught a few lessons off the top of my head
• We rode a boat through the canals to an ancient temple Phnom Da
• I got to introduce my real family to my training host family. My host family fed us delicious food and even beer and shots of rice wine. Cheers! Bingo!
• I went to Sihanoukville for the first time
• We spent a lot of time at our beautiful hotel pool
• We swam in the gulf of Thailand
• We ate at a restaurant where there were snakes, crocodiles, fish, turtles, birds, etc all on display. There was even a living snake inside our table.
• I got to show my family where I live here in Prey Veng
• We hung out with the monkeys at monkey island in Prey Veng.
• We taught the Cha Cha slide to my Honor Society students
• We worked on my world map project all together with my students
• My family watched me teach a few classes
• My purse was stolen, resulting in a loss of nearly 200 dollars and 2 ATM cards and my drivers license.
• I taught my family to wash clothes by hand
• We spent 2 days exploring the temples of Siem Reap.
• We rode on the “bamboo train” in Battambang
• We missed our bus to Phnom Penh
• We got another bus to Phnom Penh, one that showed the reality of transportation in Cambodia
• We visited the Royal Palace
• We watched the sunrise over the Mekong
• We said another goodbye.
• I went back to site.
• A student and her mother invited me over for lunch one day
• While in the students village, I learned that riding a bike with no hands means you’re a gangster, and that the entire village believed me to be a foreign gangster, as I practice riding my bike with no hands through that village almost every week.
• Another student invited me to see her home. She showed me her parents, her rice fields, her cow, and her secret place where she watches the sunset almost every day. So cute!
• I finally called the medical officer after over a month of diarrhea and learned that I had Giardia.
• I took Giardia medicine, and then I had a reaction to the medicine which made me feel worse for about 2 weeks.
• I accidentally gave giardia to my parents. Woops.
• I visited my training host family in Takeo again.
• I was asked to organize music for the 4th of July celebration for the embassy
• I made arrangements of America (My Country Tis of Thee), America the Beautiful, and a You’re a Grand Old Flag/Yankee Doodle medly.
• The ambassador cut America.
• We performed both national anthems, America the Beautiful, and You’re a Grand Old Flag for all the head honchos at the embassy, and some top Cambodian politicians.
• We ate American food, American desserts, and even American wine and beer!
• It all went so well that people were actually asking me for my business card! (not that I have one). I was so proud of the singers.
• During that time I stayed with an Embassy worker at her beautiful house. It was a real house. Like it could be in a suburb somewhere in America. It just felt like home to me. Especially having access to a real kitchen! And a washer and dryer!
• I had my mid-service medical check up. Woo….
• I met Brian and Sunshine, 2 friends from America in Phnom Penh!
• We went to the National Museum and Wat Phnom
• We saw Madagascar 3 at a movie theatre.
• We went to Siem Reap.
• We spent 2 days exploring the temple, real tomb-raider style. Or actually.. more Temple Run style.
• We recorded videos of real Temple Running.
• We rode an elephant around Bayon temple.
• We hung out on Pub Street eating, drinking, dancing, and shopping.
• We did not let the fish eat our feet.
• We took a bus to Bankok Thailand!
• I ate McDonalds about 4 times, Burger King twice, and Starbucks twice.
• We checked out the Royal Palace in Bankok. So shiny!
• We also saw Wat Pho, home of the giant reclining Buddha.
• We took a plane to Phuket.
• We watched the sun set over the ocean
• We saw real, international boxing matches at the stadium
• I bought a chicken Kebab. And it was so good that I went back 2 hours later and got another.
• We took a boat out to Koh Phi Phi island.
• We swam in the beautiful, crystal clear bay
• We watched fire dancers at night putting on a show.
• I jump roped with a rope on fire.
• I played limbo with the pole on fire.
• We hiked up a mountain/hill to see the spectacular view.
• We got attacked by a monkey.
• I learned a bit of Thai and was able to have short conversations
• I pet a lot of cats.
• I came home back to Phnom Penh by another flight
• I taught my honor society a few more times.
• I bought a basketball, and it has been the best decision ever. I play basketball with the local kids about every other day now.
• My sister asked me to help her name the baby, due in October. She wants an American name.
• I went to my students’ awareness event for human trafficking, where they did a role-play
• To intrigue the crowds, my students made me do the cupid shuffle and the asereje dance in front of about 100 villagers, including the local politicians.
• Then they made me sing KPOP
• I passed the one year mark. I’ve been in Cambodia for over a year.
• I scheduled a day for students to come take a placement exam for one of 4 of my summer classes, ranging from beginner to advanced. Over 50 students showed up to take the exam.
• I built a contraption in my room that allows me to keep fresh fruit without the ants OR the rats getting into it.
• While I was so worried about my fruit contraption, the ants infested my Frosted Flakes.
• I ate them anyway.
• I rode my bike to my friend Leah’s site, which is about a 2 hour bike ride.

And that’s where I am now! We’re finally all caught up. Here are some pictures that are completely unrelated to this blog post!

These are from way back in December, when my co-teacher had a "christmas party" at his house

I brought my little Christmas tree to make it seem a little more like a real Christmas party. It didn't work. But my students were really interested in the tree.

Cambodians love their speakers. I've mentioned before how LOUD they like to have their music. Well I could hear this music all the way at my house, and I live about a mile away.

A tent for dancing

My 7th graders

More of my 7th graders

cool dudes

one of my favorites, with the Christmas gifts he was going to give his private teachers

dancing!

He wears them well.

DANCE!