Some days I feel so inspired to just dig in and work til I drop. Just let that sweat pour out and see if the world is any different once I'm done.
Other days I just don't want to get up. I wanna crawl under my mosquito net, close my eyes, and when I open them I want to be in my own bed at home.
And still other days, I am just purely existential. I go through the motions, but it's all out of my hands. There's not much of a difference between working to better something and just keeping busy for my own sake.
Sometimes I look at the 22 months ahead of my and I think that's pretty much forever. 22 months in this school in this village with this family..
Other times I look at 22 months and I can't believe how fast time is moving. I worry I wont be able to do all the things I hope to do if time continues to move so fast.
Sometimes I have terrible migraines and I think for sure that I'm getting dengue fever.
Sometimes I have diarrhea.
Often I have diarrhea...
Sometimes I watch my students and think about how proud I am of them, and how I can't wait to watch them grow. I dream of their futures for them.
Sometimes I watch my students helplessly, realizing that there is very little I can do to improve their lives in the long run.
Sometimes I leave class upset, knowing that the last two hours was a waste of everyone's lives.
Sometimes I leave class and realize that my cheeks hurt from smiling through the entire lesson.
Sometimes I feel so very close to all the people here, and I feel very loved and full of love for them.
Sometimes my heart literally aches for specific people that I left behind.
Sometimes I love how everyone knows me and is interested in me.
Sometimes I just wanna be invisible.
Sometimes I laugh.
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I listen to music that makes me miss home very much. You might confuse me for a HS emo kid.
Sometimes I dance alone in my room in my underwear to Lady Gaga or some good KPop.
Sometimes I feel terrible for not being the best at keeping in touch with people at home.
Sometimes I am upset with people from home for not being able to read my mind and know that I need to talk to them NOW.
Always, I am hot.
Once, I was cold.
But to sum up this blog post (which started out as a personal email, but emerged from there) no matter what combinations of "sometimes'" I am in, I ALWAYS know I made the right choice, and I wouldn't trade this for anything.
1. One of the holes in my floor
2. A couple of my friends. I can deal with these spiders. Its the ones with the thick bodies I can't handle.
3 and 4. The porch outside my room. The door on the left is my room. On the right is the main family room.
5. A typical meal. Lok Lak- lettuce and other vegetables with beef on top. Duck egg. and fish soup.
6. A closer look at that fish soup.
I literally think you summed the feelings that I have about this experience right now SO PERFECTLY. I honestly could not say it all better. Every single one of these things; YES YES YES. I'm going to write my own blog post and link to yours and just say "go read this to understand."
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