I don't know if this is actually their plan, but my friends and family are making it nearly impossible for me to leave for Cambodia in 5 days. I knew it would be hard leaving but I thought I was mentally prepping myself for this for a while. And to be honest I haven't really felt like sincere full out sadness about leaving until the last few days. So either its just finally hitting me, or my loved ones are showing me what I'm leaving behind and how crazy that is.
This whole summer has been nearly perfect. It was one of the best summers I've ever had, even though its been so short.
Yesterday was my Bon Voyage party, and I don't even know where to begin to explain it. We have never had so many people in my house before. Cars were parked up and down the entire block. Family came in from all over the place. I had family in from Jersey, Massachusetts, and even Hawaii! I am blessed with an amazing family who may not always understand my decisions, but will always back me up anyway.
All kinds of friends stopped by or stayed to hang out. I saw friends that I haven't seen in 2-3 years. Honestly, I really didn't know I had that many friends. I guess you never realize all the people that you can impact in your life. And wow, are my friends supportive or what? Many came with the sweetest, most thoughtful gifts. I can't even list all the things, but among them were music, photos, slideshows, books, movies, etc. But the gifts meant nothing compared to some things people said to me and what was written in their cards. My friends believe in me and they are proud of me, more than I ever knew.
Oh, and there was this one teensy surprise for me at my party. My favorite singer/songwriter... Julia Nunes... was hiding behind my tree lol. Ok, heres the watered down version of the story. Basically, my friends from college got together and contacted Julia and her manager. They explained their limited budget and asked if Julia would come play a show... in my backyard haha. Well she agreed. And she popped out from behind a tree and I screamed like a little girl. She played for the whole party. I got to play and sing with her. And then the coolest part was she stuck around for a little while to hang out. She let me listen to her CD that she is still working on that no one has heard yet! It was incredible! We sang for her too, a little bit of classical vocal stuff. I still can't believe that all of this happened, and I can't believe what amazing friends I have.
The whole day was completely overwhelming. I wanted to spend hours with every person there to let them know how much they mean to me, but with so much going on I couldn't. It was nearly impossible for me to even keep track of who was here, who was leaving soon, who was on their way, etc. I hardly ate anything all day, but all the craziness was worth it. I never dreamed I'd have a support system this big.
So then why wasn't I able to sleep last night? Why was I up tossing and turning for hours? Trust me, its not because I wasn't tired. I was exhausted. All this love and attention is just making it harder and harder to leave. Leaving would be so much easier if everyone left me alone the last few days before I left. Truthfully, I'm scared now, which is something I haven't been before. I'm scared of not being able to find the happiness that I have found here. And the other thing is the amount of pressure that I feel right now. Of course this was not intentional, but with so much support inevitably comes expectations. I don't even know if I'm going to be good at this Peace Corps thing. Plenty of Volunteers don't even finish training, let alone the whole 2 years of service. I am gonna try and I am going to do my very best, but I really hope that's good enough and I am able to live up to even half of what my friends and family say they believe I can do. But it would be really awful and embarrassing if after all this, I'm home in 3 weeks.
While lying awake last night I did a lot of thinking about the twists and turns my life has taken and how God has provided. My life is proof that God makes you go through changes, and sometimes those changes cause more pain than you'd ever imagined. But God always will give you the strength and circumstances to get through it. And on the other side, you will be a much stronger person. As many know, just 4 years ago I was in a relationship that I thought was it. Even though the boyfriend was emotionally abusive, I loved him deeply and was 100% sure that was the path my life was going to take. Then it ended. I was not ok for what felt like forever. I had put everything that I was into this one person. When he was gone, I was completely empty and I didn't see any more purpose for me. A line from a Relient K always helps me understand what happened. It goes "You said I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there." And its true. God placed these people, one at a time, in my life. Slowly they dragged me up from my depression and built me up into who I am today. And last night I realized that I am more full than I have ever been. I have way more love for these people than I ever had for my ex boyfriend. And its true. I am stronger than ever. I never would have the guts to do something like the Peace Corps, had I not gone through what I had to go through. At the time, I thought it was the end my life, but on this side, I realize that it was all part of Gods perfect plan.
And now here I am again, moving on to something different. And it hurts everything within me. And part of me is saying "God, really?? I just found my niche here and I'm finally happier than I have ever been!". But from experience I know that God will always give me ways to make these changes and then glorify him.
So friends and family, thank you for everything. Whether you've known me since birth, since middle school, or just a few short years, every second I have spent with you has been a gift and has shaped me into what I am today. Knowing that you are responsible for shaping me, I hope you are proud of what I have become, and I hope you know of your right to share in every triumph I have made and will make, because without you it would be impossible.
I am going to Cambodia and I am so excited. I'm ready to work hard and learn as much as I can about the people and about myself while I am there. And then you know what? Before we all know it, I will be home. I will have amazing insights and experiences to share with all of you. I am excited to see what the future brings, not just for me, but for all of us. Welcome to the first day of the rest of our lives.
And here's to my welcome home party in October, 2013!
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